• me: does 5 situps
• me: where are my abs

My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh my god

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

• Zooey Deschanel: Is that rain?
• Siri: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
• Zooey Deschanel: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
• Siri: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
• Zooey Deschanel: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
• Siri: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
• Zooey Deschanel: Remind me to clean up.
• Siri: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
• Zooey Deschanel: Tomorrow.
• Siri: I'm in hell. This is hell.
• Zooey Deschanel: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
• Siri: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
• Zooey Deschanel: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
• Siri: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
• Zooey Deschanel: *dances*
• Siri: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.